PLUTONIUM FILMS, INC. PRODUCTIONS

HORROR B-MOVIES


1. ATTACK OF THE VIRGIN MUMMIES(2005)

Starring Hannah Harper, Ada Mae Johnson, Nikki Love, Pamela Christie, Kasumi, Peter Cullerud, Michael Haboush

Written & directed by Daryl Carstensen

Amount of time following the opening credits before the first nude scene: 13 seconds. Technically, 0 seconds; the buffer in between clicking "Play" and the start of the movie features one of the starlets' nude.

Watching Attack of the Virgin Mummies reminded me why I usually avoid movies like this. Going in I expected a sex comedy with horror elements. There is a horror element but it's very miniscule. There is allegedly comedy but comedies are supposed to be funny and this most certainly is not. While there may have been tons of nudity, there was no sex at all. This last part was especially surprising after I looked the film up on IMDB and learned that the lead actresses are all porn starlets. That would definitely explain why they were all only semi-attractive and adorned with rather unsightly tattoos. I dare say that their starring in this film would be considered slumming. At least with porn flicks with titles such as Inseminated by 2 Black Men, Anal Angels, and Porking with Pride you pretty much know what the point of the movie is without even having to see it. I watched all 70 long minutes of Attack of the Virgin Mummies and still have no idea what the point was supposed to be or why it even exists.

The film opens in what weíre told is Ancient Egypt. It looks more like it was shot in the woods a few miles from my house. No sooner do the opening credits end, the nudity begins along with allegedly humorous dialogue like "I canít take my clothes off fast enough. Hold your Arabian horses!" Thatís what passes for comedy here.

The Egyptian kingís virgin daughters are taking a mid-day dip. First of all, Iím looking at these girls stripping on a dime and thinking they might not be virgins after all. Secondly, did Egypt have kings? I would have sworn they were called pharaohs, but then why should one expect the makers of a movie like this to know even that much about ancient history. Hey, I wasnít aware that bottle blondes, ankle and lower back tattoos, and breast implants existed in ancient Egypt. If nothing else at least I can say Attack of the Virgin Mummies was educational.

So after all three main actresses get fully nude within the first 30 seconds of film, weíre then introduced to three of the whitest Egyptian males ever as they stumble upon the naked nymphs.

Two of the girls end up hooking up with two of the guys, but the "ugly" male that looks and sounds like a pudgier, angrier version of Mr. Belding from "Saved by the Bell," upset by his recent lack of nipple-sucking action, attempts to rape the third female leading to a very long and surprisingly unpleasant scene (especially for the kind of tripe this film is) where heís confronted by the others, attempts more rape, and murder them all. As ludicrous as his ability to murder the women by strangling them each for all of three seconds and kill his two male friends with three measly whacks with a small stick, there was still something uncomfortably sleazy about how this scene played out prior to the laughably inept murders; ironically, the only thing even remotely laughable thus far.

Unaware these girls were the kingís virgin daughters... Well, they were virgins as far as he knew, I guess. The murderer, I think his name was supposed to be Kharis, is condemned for having raped and murdered them. As best I can muster, the king seems to think the guy raped them thus explaining why they werenít the virgins he thought them to be. Iím putting too much thought into deciphering what little plot there is.

Kharis is sentenced to have his tongue cut out and then be mummified to death. He vows to return from the grave one day to wreak vengeance. The high priest passing down justice bestows some Egyptian mojo on the deceased daughters so that they will one day rise live again and restores their virginity too.

For the record, the acting is exactly what you would expect in a film like this which is to say non-existent. People speak lines of dialogue and make facial expressions while doing so but this not acting. Dear lord, this is not acting.

Also, the whimsical soundtrack consisting primarily of the kinds of strings and woodwinds suitable for a production of Peter & The Wolf began to fell like Chinese water torture after only the first 10 minutes.

We then jump to a modern day American strip club thatís struggling to survive because as one unruly patron puts it, "Iíve seen it all before. Itís the same old shit." Oddly enough, thatís exactly what I was thinking about this point in the movie too. When a movie based around women getting naked actually succeeds in making naked women boring after only a half hour then you know something has gone horribly wrong.

Meanwhile, a rich Hollywood fogy has ordered some mummies from the Cairo Museum. Despite being a recurring subplot, it has nothing to do with anything other than to set-up the mishap that leads to the crate containing the mummified daughters getting dumped on the side of the road. Afterwards, the previously mummified daughters promptly wake up, unwrap, and gawk at the strange new world theyíre in just in time for the two strip club owners to pick them up and devise a whole Egyptian themed stripping routine that will help turn their business around. Despite declarations that they are the Egyptian kingís virgin daughters, that they want to be returned to Egypt, and that Kharis has awakened and is coming to kill them all, the three ladies donít hesitate taking the strip club gig and jiggling for money. And thank goodness too because itís been all of five minutes since we last saw them naked.

The girls do indeed perform a striptease; four infinitely long minutes of the most uninspired, unsexy stripping so pitiful professional strippers everywhere should be offended. By this point I felt the makers of Attack of the Virgin Mummies should have been waving $20 bills at me to keep watching.

Kharis finally awakens, but unlike the girls heís still stuck in mummy form; a mummy that any Cub Scout troupe could create with some Ace bandages and a volunteer; a mummy thatís into voyeurism, lechery, and murdering naked women and the occasional vagrant that has the misfortune to cross his path. Kharis the misogynistic mummy also begins boozing it up which seems a bit pointless seeing as how heís supposed to have no tongue.

The girls are now sleeping with the strip club owners (so much for being virgins again) so even when theyíre not on stage stripping theyíre laying in bed naked. They see a news report about the rash of mummy murders and realize they must stop Kharis once and for all. But first, they have to perform another striptease.

Look, I realize that this movie was made to gawk at naked women while goofy nonsense goes on around them but Attack of the Virgin Mummies has absolutely nothing going for it aside from the nudity, and seeing as how the three main actresses arenít really drop dead gorgeous and you can see them getting reamed on film for real in the kind of movies they usually appear in, it makes the whole endeavor particularly pointless.

Even USA "Up All Night" wouldnít have wasted valuable airtime on this crap.

80min COLOR / DIGITAL / DVD

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2. THE ZOMBIE NINJA © 1998

Feature Motion Picture about a Zombie Ninja that comes to the rescue of a desperate girl, who is being raped and beaten by Dead Zombie Corpses. Lots of Martial Arts, kick fighting and ACTION Scenes!

VIEWER COMMENTS:

Totally disgusting and cheap bawdy humor. I loved it!!! It is the most disgusting and totally horribly acted film, except for Nicolas Read, who plays an un-dead Court Jester, to comic brilliance. But being that as it may, I laughed so many times and I have to hand it to the film makers, it wasn't pretentious or ordinary in any way. Raping, fighting, zombies vomiting on their rape victims. What other movie has this? Not for the queasy, but with a pizza, a bong, and a six pack of beer, you got it made, if you have a cast iron stomach and a juvenile sense of humor like myself.

This is one cheap looking movie! A stripper keeps getting attacked and raped by zombies and no one believes her. She goes to the police who also rape her. She finally finds a kid who was also attacked by the zombies and they trace the zombies back to 'The Zombie Master'. The fact that Stephanie Beaton stars as the stripper is the only reason to watch this film.
 

I'm positive the two people that gave this movie a 10 are the filmmakers. It is hands down the most vile piece of filth ever put to videotape. Usually, that's something I can say and mean it as a good thing. What you have is 75 minutes of zombies raping poor Stephanie Beaton, who looks about as embarrassed to be part of this movie as I was to watch it. Even for lovers of bad cinema, this one is a rotten egg with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
 

Totally disgusting and cheap bawdy humor. I loved it!!! It is the most disgusting and totally horribly acted film, except for Nicolas Read, who plays an un-dead Court Jester, to comic brilliance. But being that as it may, I laughed so many times and I have to hand it to the film makers, it wasn't pretentious or ordinary in any way. Raping, fighting, zombies vomiting on their rape victims. What other movie has this? Not for the queasy, but with a pizza, a bong, and a six pack of beer, you got it made, if you have a cast iron stomach and a juvenile sense of humor like myself.

Color/88min.

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3. UNNATURALLY BORN KILLER: © 1997

Feature Horror about a misfortunate movie maker, who goes NUTS, butchers and slaughters innocent victims. Well, we think they are innocent, but they are not. Walter Webster is desperately trying to please a distributor. Some thing goes wrong to push him over the edge to sadistically kill his actors and actresses. The distributor does not care, he wants BLOOD, TITS, KILLING, and BUTCHERING and ALL THE SICKNESS HE CAN GET! And so, this is exactly what Walter Webster gives him, REAL SPECIAL AFFECTS!!! Don't miss out! He eats them, beats them, chops them up, pukes on them and blows them away in shower stalls! It's continues slaughter, with special music score composed and written by Theremin player Ross Marshall.

VIEWER COMMENTS:

A film with no meaning whatsoever!

One of the worst parodies. totally makes an ass out of itself. Bad acting, bad jokes, bad plot. If you like natural born killers, you'll beg Mickey and Mallory to kill you after watching this film. Tarantino will be turning in his grave (when he dies)
Have a nice day.

This movie sucks so badly. Its an obvious low budget effort, but that's no excuse to have no idea's, no plot, no actors and zero originality. A makeup artist starts freaking out, and starts killing girls for real.. This lame pretext is a sorry excuse for the directors friends to jump around, trying to look menacing or mysterious. As several scenes have nothing to do with anything, there are plenty of "dream sequences".. Utter waste of time. Try and watch Scooter McCrae's movies instead, if you want to see how zero budget film-making can be done. You have to have Idea's Mr. Carstensen. Just a plain boring and poorly made home movie. I picked up a copy with a pretty bloody cover, but lo an behold, there was no gore whatsoever in the movie. Avoid at all cost.. Luckily, this is not a widely available movie, so that's at least something.

Color/ 90 min.

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4. PSYCHOTIC BIMBO: ©1998

Dr. Mondo is at it again. Butchering and slaughtering innocent female victims. This time he even kills guys, who get in his way. Great artistic photo shoot, where photographer Frank hires Mondo as an assistant. Mondo screws up, Frank insults him and is murdered! Mondo continues to beat, rape, abuse and chop up actresses and models. Great ending! 88 min. COLORORDER


5. TOTAL EXPOSURE: © 1998

Repair man making home repairs finds window open to pornographic B&D scenes. He window watches as girls get tied up, beaten, slapped, spanked, tortured and abused.

70m. Color.

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6. BANGERS

Feature Motion Picture about a young stripper girl. Alice is a stripper, who works for Miss Kit (Kitten Nativadad) and is forced to work in Kitten's Bar to dance, strip and needless to say, sell her body to survive. In her ramblings through the streets, Alice Hudson (Stephanie Beaton) is raped, beaten and tortured by zombies manufactured by the evil Dr. Mondo (James Riley). Will she survive? Does she escape? Will anyone believe her story? Extreme violence, gore, blood and perversion as well as adult situations. A horror thriller beyond your imagination!

VIEWER COMMENTS:

Another of those WORSE films ever made! The only redeeming quality of this crap show is Stephanie Beaton and Kit Nativadad's TITS!

I love this movie! It's the worse piece of garbage rot, cheap shot film making I've ever seen - but very semi-professionally made! The beating sequences are hediously funny! I laughed ahrdest at where Alice gets beaten half to death by 3 Zombies!!! They beat her, raped her, and funny thing is, they didn't killer her!?

I have never seen a film with as much TITS in all my life, short of that pathetic piece of crap movie, ATTACK OF THE VIRGIN MUMMIES!

88m. COLOR

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7. PSYCHEDELIC FEVER:

A weird 1960's film with plenty of exciting entertainment shots, drug stories, special affects. 90m.

8.  MISS NUDE AMERICA CONTEST:

1970's events! Lots of naked women!  90mins.

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ORDER COLLECTION: 1-6 = $60.00 POSTPAID